What the Hell is Wrong with Me Part 2: I'm Bored

From as far back as I can remember, I've been fangirling. When I was 3 years-old I watched the Little Mermaid and was HOOKED. I watched it continuously, singing over every melody for years. As a teen I was obsessed with the X-Files to the point where I'd answer the phone "Scully" just like Gillian Anderson did at least once a week in the 90s. I found it super fun to get home from school and type up Scully's actual reports from the show on my computer. I also got super into Anne Rice's book series The Vampire Chronicles and even had the #1 fan site on the internet in 2001. And no it wasn't a Tumblr. I coded it. At 15.

I started reminiscing about my various former obsessions recently because I've been analysing my current behaviour. I've noticed that over the last few years I've had a serious problem doing things that I'm not into doing. I hate doing the dishes, cleaning, going to work (when my job is monotonous or uninteresting), even listening to people talk about things I don't care about. I've been more depressed and anxious than ever because of how much stuff I have to do now that I don't find fundamentally interesting.

When I was in school, sure there were periods I didn't like, but there were always 2-3 subjects that I really enjoyed. If there weren't, at least there were pals nearby I could chat with, or my little obsessions to daydream about. When going into CEGEP  I actually remember having the thought "Oh my god. I can pick my own subjects". The sheer relief of potentially being interested in every class was enormous, though I'm fairly certain I never vocalised this. My first semester of University I even took twice the recommended number of classes. 

And I was in CEGEP/University from ages 17 to 29. Think about that. I only studied and worked at subjects I found interesting for most of my adult life. 

When I finished my second Masters (in acting--also a subject I thoroughly enjoyed), I felt at once like the world was at my fingertips, and that I was completely lost. The momentum built up over so many years of practicing and studying while working part time left me with this inertia that was overwhelming. And I had to pay rent. In London.

Me as Miss Havisham in Robert Jones'
Miss Havisham's Testament. Photo cred Andrew Jones

I don't know if you knew this, but getting a job in the arts is next to impossible. So I worked at one joe job, then another, then another, then two at once, then three at once... because I couldn't sit still and because I disliked nearly every job I had. I didn't know why I was having such a hard time. I complained about it a lot to my husband. He joked that I'd just never worked a real job before. I was immediately offended by the comment because I'd worked my ass off for 10+ years in university while working part time and teaching. I knew how to work hard--I'd been doing it forever. But it was always for something I cared about. I'd never worked full time at a job I was disinterested by or that was boring. Never. 

The years since I left university have been some of the worst in terms of mental health. But in other ways, they were some of the best. I got married; I met my best friend; I started my own theatre company; I started writing songs again; I discovered Drag Race... but at times I've felt so incredibly miserable and uncomfortable in my own life. But I'm finally learning why. 

To some people it can sound incredibly childish to hear someone say "I'm bored" or "this is boring"--in fact my parents heard me say this countless times as a kid. But to me, it's just a reality of my life. Doing things I'm not interested in takes so much of my energy to the point where when I stop doing it, I need a proper break. This is why when I'd get home from working an 8 or 9 or 10 hour shift, I don't have the energy to write songs or practice or even engage socially. I'm mentally exhausted from trying to concentrate on my tasks or keep myself entertained all day. I actually used to get annoyed when my husband would ask about my day because I'd just think "Christ, who cares??" 

On top of that, if, rather than being merely disinterested at work, I actually have nothing to do, then my mind goes into hyperactive mode. I think about anything and everything at once. I start screenplays in my head; I replay conversations and imagine different outcomes; I usually have 2-3 songs playing in there at one time; I think about how I've failed as a musician, as a partner, as a daughter; I think about my mortality... basically my mind creates drama because I thrive in an environment where stuff needs to get done to meet a time-sensitive goal. 

But there's always been one thing that can drown out those voices. And it's precisely that thing that's been missing from my life since I moved to London: Music. 

I've been listening to music, playing music, talking about music, studying music my whole life. I used to listen to it at home as a matter of course. The silence that filled my first Christmas with my husband's family was deafening. How did they not listen to the same Nat King Cole Christmas album every day?? Eating dinner in silence? What??? And when I asked them if we could listen to Nat King Cole, which of course they were fine with, I felt kind of embarrassed showing them this music that I really loved. What's wrong with me??

So I just stopped listening to music regularly (besides on commutes). I felt weird practicing my singing when my husband was home (I actually still feel that way sometimes). And since I didn't have the same immediate singing goals that I did at university, I was rarely practicing at all. So I wasn't making music, and I would work, do the dishes, the laundry, eat dinner, in silence. 

For some reason it took me 6 years to realise that this was a problem. And it's not just because I'm a musician through and through. It's because this is how I am. I need the stimulus of music to get me through some tasks. Now as soon as I think about doing the dishes, I ask Alexa to play some music. She picks my favourite songs at random and I sing along or dance or just enjoy while I clean, rather than have my head slowly fill up with negativity or useless drama. It makes a world of difference.

I think I thought that needing to play music or watch my favourite TV shows over and over again was a weird thing that I shouldn't be doing; like adults don't do that, or something, even though I'd been doing it my whole adult life. I mean, geez, I used to practice while rewatching Doctor Who! My favourite thing to do as a teenager was watch tv, listen to music and read a magazine at the same time (my mom thought I was nuts). But since I've been working on my coping mechanisms I've realised that this is kind of the biggest one. I need music. I need my fangirling. And that's ok.

When I eventually go back to my job (which is definitely the best desk job I've had since moving to London--it actually is stimulating a lot of the time and is in the arts), I'll probably ask whether I can listen to a bit of music while I work. We need to start accepting not only that people learn in different ways, but that they work in different ways. We're obviously not all the same. So why pretend we are?