Anxious Artist Time
Today I'm feeling the pressure. Now that I'm not working at my job (on furlough until October) I'm working full time making my own music. This doesn't mean I'm writing songs all day, although writing is part of it. Usually it means I'm going over tracks with my co-producer, re-recording vocal tracks, practicing guitar, filming music videos, editing music videos, taking photos for promotion, on social media promoting my newest song, emailing... there's a long list but that's what my job is right now. Making things and then promoting them.
Sarah Cooper from Trump lip sync fame said it really well in a tweet recently: "My anxiety is worrying I'm going to lose a job I don't have." That's how it feels for me right now. Although I do worry about losing the job I do have due to Covid, I feel every day like if I don't "make it" with one of the songs on my new album that I've failed big time. These two things are probably connected in my ongoing worry about how I'm going to make money in a Covid-era economy. I think I'm hoping that I'll be able to make a living doing my own music if I keep working at it but the reality is that it's very difficult to make a living solely at making your own music. I know that and yet I still keep expecting it to happen. Maybe I believe that much in my music that I'm willing to bet everything on it, I don't know. But right now it's making me anxious. I'm putting a huge weight on my shoulders to succeed.
I'm reminded of my post* from a few years back about success where I questioned what that meant. In it I talked about how success usually means financial success because when people know who you are, that must mean you're making money. But does it follow that you're happy or fulfilled? These are questions I raised. Since we're not in control of who likes us and who doesn't, how can we plan for success? As an opera singer this was slightly easier to navigate because I changed my view of success to mean "If I become a better opera singer I am succeeding". Yes I could continue to take that view right now. I could listen to music, keep writing, being inspired, honing my skills so I'm the best version of myself. But I actually feel like I'm doing that right now and I'm not feeling the success. And by that, I mean money. This is where society and social media fail me. The numbers aren't there so I'm not successful even though I am working to get better.
These are all thoughts that continue to live in my brain whether I want them there or not. I haven't been sleeping well. But I keep working. In an interview I did yesterday with La Scena Musicale I said I keep making music despite the lack of financial incentive because "I literally can't not do it". I'm desperate to create constantly. So I keep doing it and I will continue because it's in me and it wants to come out. Is that a form of success? Letting it out?
Social media is also not helpful. I look to my peers for inspiration, tips etc. but often I find myself being jealous. I get jealous if someone more famous than me does something that I've wanted to do but didn't have the money. Or because they're doing something I'm currently doing but theirs has more views because they're famous. I also get jealous of people who at the very beginning of their careers but are doing better than I am. People I actually know and care about. And it reminds me of that feminist stigma of being jealous of other women's success. Shouldn't I lift them up and congratulate them? Enjoy what they're making rather than feel inadequate? How come making my own stuff, which is entirely unique to me, isn't enough?
At the same time that all this is going on in my head, I'm incredibly proud of my work and the songs and videos I've put out there. I feel like I'm good. I'm talented, I'm clever, I'm hard working. I know these things. But the anxiety likes to eat at those good things and make me feel shit. It's annoying at the very least, and at the most it's debilitating.
This is all great fodder for songwriting, don't get me wrong. And I am determined to be honest in my songs because that's what builds a sense of community within music. You want to relate to music otherwise what's the point? But in between bouts of inspiration there's this feeling like I'm losing a job I don't have yet. It's exhausting.
Anyway, that's what's happening sometimes. And I guarantee all your favourite musicians are feeling this way or have felt this way at some point. It's normal and natural; it's part of a process. Just don't let it confine you to your bed. And don't let it overwork you. Somewhere in the middle, if you can manage it, is a good place to live.
* Try as I might I can't actually find this original post. If you find it let me know! But also it's entirely possible this was just a mental note I made to myself and not a blog post...
Sarah Cooper from Trump lip sync fame said it really well in a tweet recently: "My anxiety is worrying I'm going to lose a job I don't have." That's how it feels for me right now. Although I do worry about losing the job I do have due to Covid, I feel every day like if I don't "make it" with one of the songs on my new album that I've failed big time. These two things are probably connected in my ongoing worry about how I'm going to make money in a Covid-era economy. I think I'm hoping that I'll be able to make a living doing my own music if I keep working at it but the reality is that it's very difficult to make a living solely at making your own music. I know that and yet I still keep expecting it to happen. Maybe I believe that much in my music that I'm willing to bet everything on it, I don't know. But right now it's making me anxious. I'm putting a huge weight on my shoulders to succeed.
I'm reminded of my post* from a few years back about success where I questioned what that meant. In it I talked about how success usually means financial success because when people know who you are, that must mean you're making money. But does it follow that you're happy or fulfilled? These are questions I raised. Since we're not in control of who likes us and who doesn't, how can we plan for success? As an opera singer this was slightly easier to navigate because I changed my view of success to mean "If I become a better opera singer I am succeeding". Yes I could continue to take that view right now. I could listen to music, keep writing, being inspired, honing my skills so I'm the best version of myself. But I actually feel like I'm doing that right now and I'm not feeling the success. And by that, I mean money. This is where society and social media fail me. The numbers aren't there so I'm not successful even though I am working to get better.
These are all thoughts that continue to live in my brain whether I want them there or not. I haven't been sleeping well. But I keep working. In an interview I did yesterday with La Scena Musicale I said I keep making music despite the lack of financial incentive because "I literally can't not do it". I'm desperate to create constantly. So I keep doing it and I will continue because it's in me and it wants to come out. Is that a form of success? Letting it out?
Social media is also not helpful. I look to my peers for inspiration, tips etc. but often I find myself being jealous. I get jealous if someone more famous than me does something that I've wanted to do but didn't have the money. Or because they're doing something I'm currently doing but theirs has more views because they're famous. I also get jealous of people who at the very beginning of their careers but are doing better than I am. People I actually know and care about. And it reminds me of that feminist stigma of being jealous of other women's success. Shouldn't I lift them up and congratulate them? Enjoy what they're making rather than feel inadequate? How come making my own stuff, which is entirely unique to me, isn't enough?
At the same time that all this is going on in my head, I'm incredibly proud of my work and the songs and videos I've put out there. I feel like I'm good. I'm talented, I'm clever, I'm hard working. I know these things. But the anxiety likes to eat at those good things and make me feel shit. It's annoying at the very least, and at the most it's debilitating.
This is all great fodder for songwriting, don't get me wrong. And I am determined to be honest in my songs because that's what builds a sense of community within music. You want to relate to music otherwise what's the point? But in between bouts of inspiration there's this feeling like I'm losing a job I don't have yet. It's exhausting.
Anyway, that's what's happening sometimes. And I guarantee all your favourite musicians are feeling this way or have felt this way at some point. It's normal and natural; it's part of a process. Just don't let it confine you to your bed. And don't let it overwork you. Somewhere in the middle, if you can manage it, is a good place to live.
* Try as I might I can't actually find this original post. If you find it let me know! But also it's entirely possible this was just a mental note I made to myself and not a blog post...
If you need some perspective, look at the life and career of Baruch Spinoza. Never made it as an author; always had a day job. Of course, I don't need to mention Van Gogh or Wallace Stevens. You're doing the right thing, Erica.
ReplyDeleteYour music is great, btw! :D
ReplyDelete