What the Hell is Wrong with Me, Part I: Conversations with Other People

When I was a kid, I always felt different. Whether it was because of bullying in elementary school, social pressures or the internalised anxiety those two things created, I tended to "other" myself. I didn't easily make friends, but preferred to create my own little worlds inside my head. I'd get home from school and throw myself into my fangirl obsessions, or my art because those things didn't scare me. They were familiar, predictable and interesting. 

Classic Me

In my very early twenties I was having to put myself out there far more than I was used to. I was a good performer and yet somehow still crap at a lot of social situations. But I remember the day that changed. I was at a summer camp in Edmonton, which is where my cousin Jessica lives. She was there helping me acclimatise and sort of forced me into some first-day-of-camp friendships. She's a very outgoing person (although she wasn't when we were teens), so for her it was easy to go up to someone and say "Hey, this is Erica, she's new to this program. What's your name?". Bonkers, I know. But that day, as I went to each class and did my practicing surrounded by people I didn't know, I came to a realisation: I needed to be able to make friends. 

At lunchtime that day, I got my tray, cutlery, and whatever meal the program was serving, and looked around at the seating arrangements. There were several long, picnic-style tables in a large room. One of the tables had a few people on it already, all bunched together, and the other tables were empty. My instinct was to do what I usually did which was go sit alone. But I didn't. I went to the busy table and sat down next to someone I didn't know. Immediately someone started talking to me. And just like that I had friends. 

I remember thinking how easy it felt. Had it been that easy the whole time?? What had I been afraid of for so long? And the answer is bullies, societal pressure and my own internalised anxiety. I've always been someone who shines when she's surrounded by people she loves and who love her. So why couldn't I do that with people I didn't know? 

Making that first step absolutely changed my life. And I don't mean that lightly; It changed my life. I was a different person after that. I owe a lot of it to Jes, who was my inspiration, but of course some of it was me making a choice and taking a leap into the unknown. After that I was way less afraid to take chances, to speak up and to make friends with people I didn't know. 

Jes and me back in the day

Now you might be thinking to yourself, lots of people have a hard time making friends, what's the big deal? Well, for people like me, it IS a big deal. The anxiety surrounding talking to people I don't know is massive--it feels like I'm about to do a high dive into a pool that I'm not sure is deep enough.  I now know a lot more about why I fear rejection so intensely, but as a kid and a young adult I was just confused. 

I still need to have a conversation with myself before I can take a risk like talking to someone new, or making a phone call. This internal dialogue became not only essential to me, but was the foundation for my coping mechanisms as an adult. And that's what this blog series is about. Strap in! It might get personal.