Back to Blogging: The Height of Perfectionism
A lot of changes have happened in the last year and a half. Unlike when I was a bit younger, I find myself reticent to share all my thoughts and feelings on this blog or even on FB as my life changes and my goals expand; however, I call myself the Singing Nerdess on IG still and today it reminded me that I haven't updated this blog in ages. I'm going to try and change that too.
I've said before that I have a hard time publishing things that I don't think are perfect. This has definitely gotten better over since moving to London but in some ways it's now worse. I'll give you an example: One of the things that has changed is that I'm writing more songs now than I have since I was 17. I feel like I'm free to express myself this way now more than when I was singing opera. They come out of my easily now and each time I finish one (that is to say, I finish the melody and lyrics), I feel a sense of accomplishment, as if my day hasn't been completely wasted. That said, as I now find myself developing an album I feel my perfectionism kicking up a level. I don't have a band, I just have GarageBand for iPad which is where I record my songs. I will sit there for hours staring at this machine creating sounds and harmonies using instruments I wouldn't be at all proficient in in real life. Creating these tracks all on my own is turning me into a vicious control freak who can't live with the slightest imperfections.
My father says all artists are control freaks in a lot of ways and that this is normal. He's probably right.
I think what happened was that last year I got busier with these artistic things and fancied myself fulfilled. Therefore, I didn't need to talk about artistic goals (ie, write about them in a blog) because I was actually pursuing them.
Now though, as I've stopped writing morning pages or even updating my FB status as often as I used to, I find myself getting more and more anxious; it feels like there's constantly things going on in my head that I need to let out. Performing was a good way of dealing with this, but I'm not performing right now. So maybe writing is key.
I wrote a short script lately that talked about my experiences with sex as a young adult. It's a concept that I'm passionate about since women aren't always taught that sex for them should be a pleasurable thing--something they seek out for their own gratification and that they should be free to talk about. I believe it should be talked about and that as an artist I have the means and therefore the responsibility to facilitate these discussions through the work I create.
The other day I wrote a poem that I'm going to turn into a short film to be shot in Paris this May. This concept took me a day to conceive and develop. The poem is about sadness.
I can't sit around doing nothing, I need to be working all the time on projects so that I can feel like I haven't wasted any of my days. I think I'm a life perfectionist. But right now I'm spending a lot of time planning. I guess that's why I'm back on this blog.
I don't believe this post is perfect, but I'm posting it anyway because fuck it.
I've said before that I have a hard time publishing things that I don't think are perfect. This has definitely gotten better over since moving to London but in some ways it's now worse. I'll give you an example: One of the things that has changed is that I'm writing more songs now than I have since I was 17. I feel like I'm free to express myself this way now more than when I was singing opera. They come out of my easily now and each time I finish one (that is to say, I finish the melody and lyrics), I feel a sense of accomplishment, as if my day hasn't been completely wasted. That said, as I now find myself developing an album I feel my perfectionism kicking up a level. I don't have a band, I just have GarageBand for iPad which is where I record my songs. I will sit there for hours staring at this machine creating sounds and harmonies using instruments I wouldn't be at all proficient in in real life. Creating these tracks all on my own is turning me into a vicious control freak who can't live with the slightest imperfections.
My father says all artists are control freaks in a lot of ways and that this is normal. He's probably right.
I think what happened was that last year I got busier with these artistic things and fancied myself fulfilled. Therefore, I didn't need to talk about artistic goals (ie, write about them in a blog) because I was actually pursuing them.
Now though, as I've stopped writing morning pages or even updating my FB status as often as I used to, I find myself getting more and more anxious; it feels like there's constantly things going on in my head that I need to let out. Performing was a good way of dealing with this, but I'm not performing right now. So maybe writing is key.
I wrote a short script lately that talked about my experiences with sex as a young adult. It's a concept that I'm passionate about since women aren't always taught that sex for them should be a pleasurable thing--something they seek out for their own gratification and that they should be free to talk about. I believe it should be talked about and that as an artist I have the means and therefore the responsibility to facilitate these discussions through the work I create.
The other day I wrote a poem that I'm going to turn into a short film to be shot in Paris this May. This concept took me a day to conceive and develop. The poem is about sadness.
I can't sit around doing nothing, I need to be working all the time on projects so that I can feel like I haven't wasted any of my days. I think I'm a life perfectionist. But right now I'm spending a lot of time planning. I guess that's why I'm back on this blog.
I don't believe this post is perfect, but I'm posting it anyway because fuck it.
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