Adult Conditioning

For the first time in my life, I'm not in school. I'm 30 years old. I've planned a vacation for 2 weeks in July. I'm looking forward to the fall because I have no idea what the future holds for me. And I'm working as an actress and a singer for the first time in my life. I'm 30 years old.

My boyfriend is 42 and he's worked for a living for a long time. He's a grownup. Except he's not. He's a total child when he finds something new and different. He's so much more curious than I am which is sort of sad when I really think about it. But I can't really change my natural tendencies, can I? I'm curious when I am and the rest of the time I'm not. He insists sometimes that I can change the way I am, to which my rebuttal is always "that's such a MAN thing to say". I change a lot of my natural tendencies since living with him. I'm much tidier than I used to be because otherwise he and I would definitely fight more. But every once in a while I come home and I'm so exhausted that I just wanna sling my stuff anywhere and leave it there forever. I don't though because a voice tells me, put your things away or he'll say something. I know that fighting against my instinct to be messy is slowly killing me, however, it's a small price to pay for domestic bliss.

I also know that I actually am changing the way I am, albeit ever so slowly. By altering my behaviour in seemingly small, inconsequential ways, my tendencies begin to change. What was formerly unnatural becomes natural. My friend's dog Rosie was a rescue from a puppy mill. When she first came into our lives she was a little stress ball, slow to warm up to anyone-- especially men. After... 4 years? she is now able to go for a walk alone with my dad no problem. The change in her living situation made it possible for her to trust people when before she couldn't afford to. Her past made her who she is, but her present situation is reforming her. 

I never thought I was the kind of person who would ever be in really good shape. Let's be honest, I'm a lazy asshole sometimes. However, I'm in a musical. In said musical, I have to move and even dance while singing my little heart out. After my first choreography rehearsal I had the sudden realisation that I couldn't possibly get through this show if I was out of shape--the future of my career suddenly became at stake. I upped my time at the gym by at least 40% and started going 5-6 times a week. And I pushed myself. All of a sudden I could move and sing AND I was itching to go to the gym after or before rehearsal. I'm going to call this Adult Conditioning. It's a self-imposed change in attitude and behaviour. I feel more in control of my life than I ever have done. It's awesome.

My boyfriend is great at Adult Conditioning. He's been doing it a lot longer than I have though. He finds the most efficient way of doing something before he does it; He works before he plays; He takes care of himself because he knows it makes him feel better and that not exercising makes him feel shitty. I bet when he was my age it was more of a struggle than it is for him now. So I'm hoping that in ten years I'll feel more... I was going to say in control, but it's more about being flexible--feeling open enough to change your habits and your attitudes. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks but I'm pretty sure that isn't the case. For example, I know plenty of people my parents' age who are constantly learning and improving themselves. It's a beautiful and inspiring thing to see. #adulting