Heartstopper and Bisexual Representation

This article contains mild spoilers for Heartstopper.

Since watching the hit new Netflix show Heartstopper, I've been doing a lot of reflecting, and I've been wanting to put into words how the show made me feel. I'm not exactly over the hill, but I don't always find teen-centred media relatable. I can still remember what it was like for me when I was that age, sure; but I find some of their problems trivial--I'll often shout 'grow up already!' at the screen. And yet it often invokes a sense of melancholy that I'll never be that young again, with my whole life and a thousand possible journeys ahead of me. But in Heartstopper, I found they not only represented the teen experience in a very relatable way, they also painted an incredible picture of what it's like being lgbtqia+. 

Heartstopper on Netflix: Best show ever

As a queer person 20 years older than the queer protagonists in the show, I found myself at once relating to their journey, and also wishing my journey had more mirrored theirs. One of the characters, Nick, is perceived as straight by everyone, including himself, until he develops a crush on his classmate Charlie. I enjoyed watching him realise he had a crush, seeing it happen gradually, as I think it often does when you're attracted to someone you wouldn't traditionally be into; it sort of sneaks up on you. Nick's fear and confusion over the attraction is ever present throughout the show, and eventually overshadowed by his affection. Fear and confusion were a huge part of the queer experience for me and this show made me realise why. 

When Nick first googles 'am I gay?' he opens the Pandora's box of lgptqia+ experiences: he reads about the excitement of wanting to kiss another boy, finds supportive, out and proud communities, but also a history of devastating struggles including persecution, violence and death. Suddenly his little crush on a boy becomes a weight he may have to carry for the rest of his life. It's a label with so much baggage attached to it that it's no wonder his fear intensifies.

Eventually Nick realises that he's not gay, he's bisexual. I think that's the root of his confusion, and of my own. Heteronormativity permeates the whole of society and as a bisexual, we're a part of that, because part of us is attracted to the opposite sex. When we realise another part of us is interested in the same sex, it becomes very confusing indeed. 

I remember having thoughts about other girls early on but being quite good at compartmentalising it all. I remember actively ignoring those feelings because I didn't want to be different. I remember thinking 'This is something I'll have to deal with, but I don't want to deal with it now'. Maybe it was easier for me to do that because hey, I could still date guys. But honestly, the heteronormativity in most media around me was a big factor in my ignoring my homosexual impulses. I remember my friend getting me into The X-Files when I was 12 or 13. She would talk about how hot Mulder was and I think I sort of developed a crush on him as a result of a weird heteronormative peer pressure. He's the guy in the show so I should like him. I was in my late twenties before I realised how much Gillian Anderson actually informed part of my sexual awakening. 

The X-Files: A Bisexual's dream?

It's no wonder that I eventually became fascinated with queer media wherever I could find it. I've seen so many obscure gay films from the 90s and early 00s. Most of these were problematic in their own way, as were Queer as Folk and Will & Grace, and let's be real, anything else from that period. But I watched them all over and over again because it was all I had, and because watching two guys kiss was super hot (see, how could I be into girls if I liked that?! (Don't worry, I soon discovered But I'm a Cheerleader.)) But there was almost zero bisexual representation in media in those days. You were either straight or you were gay (more on this when I set up my vlog!).

Nothing I've watched before has painted a young person's bisexual experience the way Heartstopper has for me. At one point Nick says to Charlie, 'I wish I'd met you when I was younger. I wish I knew then what I know now.' and that's how I feel about my sexuality. I wish it had been a thing people talked about more when I was growing up. I wish I'd had a show like Heartstopper that showed different ways to be queer. But at the end of the day, not that much has changed in 20 years. Growing up is still scary, and growing up queer is still scarier.

I've thankfully never been harassed or bullied because of my sexuality--to be fair, I've barely given the universe any time to make it happen. And right now I could hide inside my heteropresenting relationship and cheerfully pass as a straight person for as long as it lasts. But I don't want to do that. Because the more we talk about our experiences, the more others will feel comfortable expressing theirs. I'm elated that more (good!) queer stories are making their way into mainstream media. The more representation there is out there, the less fear and confusion there will be for the next generation of bisexual kids. 

Sidenote, I'll soon be setting up a vlog on YouTube as an expansion of this blog so if you'd like to see it, click here to subscribe to my channel.

NB Heartstopper is actually based on a series of graphic novels which I am excited to read soon! If that's your thing, pick them up xo