The Meaning of Life
Right so I've been trying to get a handle on my anxiety by attending therapy sessions. My therapist is teaching me about cognitive behavioural therapy which helps you to gain control over your thoughts and your actions. It's kind of helping but the thing is, I'm a step-skipper. I learn really fast and I get impatient and start working on the end result rather than taking the recommended steps. Another example is I'm looking at film editing courses. I feel like I could skip the intro level because I've already used the software they're using to edit several of my music videos... But who am I to say I wouldn't gain valuable knowledge from that intro class?
But I actually do feel like I'm getting something out of therapy. I'm learning to look at my worries, decide whether they're worth fretting over in that moment, and if not, I push them aside. Sometimes it is a struggle but this is not something I was able to do at all before--I didn't even know it was possible to say "you know what? I don't have to worry about this now. I'll worry about this later." Or even, "Is this an actual problem, or just a hypothetical one?" Every worry seemed like a problem to me, even if I knew it was only potential one.
This kind of work is making me think about a lot of things. I've been thinking a lot about what the meaning of life is. Ya boring, I know. But when I was 19, I was straight up terrified of death and began worrying that I was running out of time. Mostly, I still feel that way; however, just like when I decided to re-think my idea of success in order to enjoy my artistic journey, I think I need to re-work my idea of life. I've been worried a lot about my career and not caring at all about myself or my home life (though this has improved in the last few months).
So I'm looking at life as a contribution I make to the world. Whether I affect one person or a million it doesn't really matter. And in fact, if I may be affecting millions by extension and not ever know it. That's a beautiful thing. When I look at the people around me, I'm not gauging them by their professional success; I'm gauging them by their affect on the people around them.
So here it is. Here's what I'm grateful for today:
My mom. She is actually the quintessential mom for me--the one I compare all others too. But she's also an amazing individual who has worked hard, loved passionately, been curious and creative and giving. When I was 19, I felt like my world was falling apart. She stayed up with me for so many nights talking me down and helping me through one of the most difficult things humans struggle with: mortality. She's my mom, but she's also my dearest friend.
My father. I wish everyone could have someone like Dave Martin in their lives. He works harder than anyone I know, and despite that knows how to party like a motherfucker. I've met few people in my life as passionate about music as my dad. That passion is what I strive for and work towards in everything I do. I remember him taking care of me when I was horribly sick with chicken pox and having night terrors on top of it. I remember feeling so scared but at the same time incredibly safe.
My brother. This guy. My soulmate in so many ways. I'm thrilled that I have a sibling I can relate to, talk to, create and reflect with. He's 3 years younger than me and I've looked to him so many times in my life for guidance. He's turned bad experiences into good personality traits and lifted the spirits of those around him. He wants to work hard and have a good family. That should be the goal right?
My friends. I honestly don't know how people think they can get on without a network of friends.
Michelle who I can nerd-out with and just laugh and laugh at ridiculous movies and cuddle with kitties. She is such a tough woman, and brilliant musician and friend.
Hayley --My oldest friend and touchstone--who is so giving and so hardworking and so loving... you should want to be in her inner circle.
Mike who met me when I was just a wee babe and 20+ years later dropped everything to come talk me through some shit (with some Boreal of course!). What a stellar gentlehuman.
Bob, who is generous, thoughtful and fucking hilarious and who has always accepted my nonsense for some reason.
Maureen is the classiest, funniest, strongest, most honest and generous person and I'm infinitely grateful that she's been my friend.
Elissa, who is a thrifty, creative, spark of generous joy everyone needs in their lives. She makes me want to be a better creative person.
I've just finished reading His Dark Materials, a fantasy novel where all humans have a companion called a "daemon". It's essentially an extension of themselves but also a lifelong friend. Maria Makenna is this for me. Or we're this for each other. I feel like I would be lost without her.
My husband is one of those people who just wants the best for everyone. He's kind, generous, polite and wants everyone to treat each other with the same respect. He loves the finer things in life and has helped to bring me back to those things when my anxiety was causing the worst kind of tunnel vision. He supports me so completely that I feel lucky every day. And when he's away I notice how completely safe he makes me feel.
All of these people have contributed to my life and for that I am eternally grateful. Surely that's the meaning of life? I don't know how they've all felt about what they've brought to the world but I for one am grateful for their contribution. I keep thinking I'm meant for greatness, my time is coming, I just need that big break. But I'm wasting my life thinking about that. I want to think about the present and about what I have. And I have a lot. Nothing to worry about, really.
But I actually do feel like I'm getting something out of therapy. I'm learning to look at my worries, decide whether they're worth fretting over in that moment, and if not, I push them aside. Sometimes it is a struggle but this is not something I was able to do at all before--I didn't even know it was possible to say "you know what? I don't have to worry about this now. I'll worry about this later." Or even, "Is this an actual problem, or just a hypothetical one?" Every worry seemed like a problem to me, even if I knew it was only potential one.
This kind of work is making me think about a lot of things. I've been thinking a lot about what the meaning of life is. Ya boring, I know. But when I was 19, I was straight up terrified of death and began worrying that I was running out of time. Mostly, I still feel that way; however, just like when I decided to re-think my idea of success in order to enjoy my artistic journey, I think I need to re-work my idea of life. I've been worried a lot about my career and not caring at all about myself or my home life (though this has improved in the last few months).
So I'm looking at life as a contribution I make to the world. Whether I affect one person or a million it doesn't really matter. And in fact, if I may be affecting millions by extension and not ever know it. That's a beautiful thing. When I look at the people around me, I'm not gauging them by their professional success; I'm gauging them by their affect on the people around them.
So here it is. Here's what I'm grateful for today:
My mom. She is actually the quintessential mom for me--the one I compare all others too. But she's also an amazing individual who has worked hard, loved passionately, been curious and creative and giving. When I was 19, I felt like my world was falling apart. She stayed up with me for so many nights talking me down and helping me through one of the most difficult things humans struggle with: mortality. She's my mom, but she's also my dearest friend.
My father. I wish everyone could have someone like Dave Martin in their lives. He works harder than anyone I know, and despite that knows how to party like a motherfucker. I've met few people in my life as passionate about music as my dad. That passion is what I strive for and work towards in everything I do. I remember him taking care of me when I was horribly sick with chicken pox and having night terrors on top of it. I remember feeling so scared but at the same time incredibly safe.
My brother. This guy. My soulmate in so many ways. I'm thrilled that I have a sibling I can relate to, talk to, create and reflect with. He's 3 years younger than me and I've looked to him so many times in my life for guidance. He's turned bad experiences into good personality traits and lifted the spirits of those around him. He wants to work hard and have a good family. That should be the goal right?
My friends. I honestly don't know how people think they can get on without a network of friends.
Michelle who I can nerd-out with and just laugh and laugh at ridiculous movies and cuddle with kitties. She is such a tough woman, and brilliant musician and friend.
Hayley --My oldest friend and touchstone--who is so giving and so hardworking and so loving... you should want to be in her inner circle.
Mike who met me when I was just a wee babe and 20+ years later dropped everything to come talk me through some shit (with some Boreal of course!). What a stellar gentlehuman.
Bob, who is generous, thoughtful and fucking hilarious and who has always accepted my nonsense for some reason.
Maureen is the classiest, funniest, strongest, most honest and generous person and I'm infinitely grateful that she's been my friend.
Elissa, who is a thrifty, creative, spark of generous joy everyone needs in their lives. She makes me want to be a better creative person.
I've just finished reading His Dark Materials, a fantasy novel where all humans have a companion called a "daemon". It's essentially an extension of themselves but also a lifelong friend. Maria Makenna is this for me. Or we're this for each other. I feel like I would be lost without her.
My husband is one of those people who just wants the best for everyone. He's kind, generous, polite and wants everyone to treat each other with the same respect. He loves the finer things in life and has helped to bring me back to those things when my anxiety was causing the worst kind of tunnel vision. He supports me so completely that I feel lucky every day. And when he's away I notice how completely safe he makes me feel.
All of these people have contributed to my life and for that I am eternally grateful. Surely that's the meaning of life? I don't know how they've all felt about what they've brought to the world but I for one am grateful for their contribution. I keep thinking I'm meant for greatness, my time is coming, I just need that big break. But I'm wasting my life thinking about that. I want to think about the present and about what I have. And I have a lot. Nothing to worry about, really.
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