Mindfulness I Guess?

Since my birthday is in the very beginning of January, I've often felt the impact of the New Year more heavily than some others might. Not only is this a new calendar year but I've gotten older; it's the dawn of a new age, as it were.

This last year has been a struggle for me psychologically. I've been battling with anxiety and stress which I've decided comes mainly from the pressures I put on myself. I worry that I'm running out of time, that I'm getting older, I think I haven't done anything with my life because I haven't made enough money or reached a certain level of renown in my industry. 

I desperately need therapy but can't afford it, so I'm on the waiting list to get it on the NHS. I had therapy once before to get me through a specific event which was indeed helpful at the time, but those issues aren't completely dealt with and I now have new ones. Hooray!

I desperately want to be making money off my art, or at the very least be at a job that helps further my career in some sense, rather than working at an established company--someone else's already fulfilled dream. But I don't have the patience. I want it now. I want to feel proud of my work now. I want to be using my talents now. And I need money now.

This age of social media and viral videos is absolutely horrendous for someone with that mind-set. You're being tricked into believing that something you make could go viral and make you famous inside a day. But it's like winning the lottery. You don't know when your number will come up so it's impossible to plan for it happening. So you have to assume yours will be a slow burn and just keep at it no matter how discouraged other people's success can make you feel.

A few years ago when I was feeling similarly, I decided to alter what my view of success was. I decided my idea of success was getting better at my craft, not making money. This yielded spectacular results because I did get way better at my craft and enjoyed the process more. I was happier and felt less stressed.

I know I need to do that again, but London is so expensive that I'm constantly worried about money. There just doesn't seem to be a way around it. Except maybe one.

As it is a new year, I've embarked on a project of sorts. In order to battle my anxiety and practice mindful thinking, I've returned to my at-home yoga practice (Yoga with Adriene! She's the best!). I've been doing yoga now nearly every day for the last 3 months and it's done wonders on my psyche. I'm now able to have a shower, do the dishes, vacuum, make dinner without clenching my jaw, speeding through, trying to get these mundane tasks out of the way so I can focus on "what really matters" ie furthering my career. 

People practice mindfulness in a lot of different ways, but however you go about it, it permeates through your life. So you're not just mindful doing something you love, you're mindful doing something you dislike. I believe this makes going to work at various jobs just to pay the rent a little easier because you're not trying to speed through it to get to the "good parts" of life. I think this is what "living in the moment" means. 

I still have a long way to go, but knowing that if I can change my attitude even slightly means I do indeed have control over certain parts of my life--they're just not the parts I thought I had control over. I'm not in charge of which one of my videos goes viral or how many streams I'm going to get on Spotify. I'm not in charge of who likes my music or my performance. But I can be in charge of my attitude and my outlook if I stay away from things I know have a negative impact on me. If I nurture my psyche then I will be more positive, so I'm not coming at my art in a negative way. It's ok to take my time. Yes, I'm getting older but so is everyone! And the more you live, the more you experience; the more you grow, the more you'll have to create and to share with the world. 

That being said, if I could get 300,000,000 streams on Spotify that would be awesome thaaaanks xo